Hahaha! I should have known that the med thoughts wouldn't magically disappear. I've been trying to work through why it is so hard for me to give up on it. Is it only due to it being a life-long dream? Or is there really a part of me that REALLY believes it's what I should do and would like doing? Last week I thought I had made an insight when it occured to me that I need the medical degree in order to feel good about myself. OOoh, that sounds worse that it is. What I mean is that I won't be happy with my accomplishments in life unless I also do med school. I very strongly feel that it's something I would do well in and enjoy. If I don't do it I will have to live with the "what if" for the rest of my life.

But what's worse? Living with the "what if" but having the time to do a lot of stuff (have kids, play oboe, return to martial arts, hang out with loved ones) OR going for that dream and possibly missing out on other stuff. The sticky thing is the "possibly". Why am I so negative on the med thing? Have I allowed others to discourage me? I think I have to some extent, but for the most part a lot of what I fear about it is actually true. But who's not to say that it would actually turn out easier than I'm expecting? And then I could indeed have it all!

I just don't feel comfortable feeling like I will be missing out on something when I am perfectly capable of going for it.

If only I could be assured that I'd still be able to play with a GOOD community orchestra if I were to do med school. And that I'd still have time for my future kid. But would I even enjoy these things with the stress that comes with being a doctor? UGH!

The PA option is good, it really is. I still have to shadow one though to confirm. Lately I've been worried that I'll feel like I sold out if I do it though. To some degree giving up on med school feels like I am giving up on my dream of finding a job I really like. This was the whole reason I quit my corporate job. Because I had hope that there was something out there for me and I set out on a quest to find it. Med school is just one more year of basic science. And 4th year is supposed to be the easiest of all. So with perhaps only a bit more effort I'd be able to get the MD instead of the PA. But then there's residency to contend with. But even that is only temporary. I worry that PA will eventually feel like a job to get money, just like my other job. Not a true career. But will any of this matter if I really dive into music more????

Oh well, for now it's between MD and PA. I will take my extra courses either way and hopefully figure it out by next summer. By which point other little things should be going on in my life . . .

Priority List:
MD
PA

I have had a few MD relapses but for the most part I have been much better this past week at being able to put the feelings aside and enjoy other things in my life. I don't want to cry victory yet but I am starting to feel a little hopeful. I may have found the way to balance all my interests. Just maybe. I feel like I need to pray on this. When I think about it it makes sense that God has already answered my prayer by presenting me with this option of "Doctor Lite". Had I wanted to be almost anything else I wouldn't even have this option.

I may never feel completely at peace at having "given up" the doctor title, but I am feeling more and more reassured that if I go the balanced life option that things will work out.

The reason I can't relate to my fellow pre-meds and their drive is because I have more to lose than them. For them this is what they want 300%. Not so for me. I want it badly. Probably 90%. But it is music which occupies the highest rung. How can I even pretend to be happy if I don't face that. Whether I like it or not, I am an artist at heart. This bodes badly for the whole PhD option too. But it's ok. I didn't really want to know all the intricacies of cells or molecules anyway. Give me a few patients and my oboe any day.

Priority list:
PA
PhD
Ed
MD

Hello, ignored blog. I really wish I could write in you everyday. It would be funny to see how often I change my mind about this career thing.

I tried going into the research internship with the least amount of expectations. I didn't want to be let down again like the Dental thing I did in January. The first week at the internship I was miserable. First off, the other two interns are gung-ho pre-meds. Not only do they want to be physicians, they're seriously considering MD/PhD's. That's like the ultimate prize according to the anal side of me. They were infecting me with their enthusiasm and their reassurances that I could indeed have a life as a medical doctor. They kept insisting that I was allowing myself to get weeded out by the lengthy application process. Could all these people really be wrong? Or is it most likely me who is being a pessimist?

By the end of the first week I was hating research and trying to figure out whether I could still prepare for the August MCAT. Much crying occurred this week too as I dealt with anger issues regarding my Dad and my stupid decisions from the past. I felt so unhappy with myself and what I had made of my life.

Now, at the end of week two of the internship I can say that research is starting to grow on me, ever so slightly. There's something to be said for getting paid to think and run science experiments. I know this is not all that research scientists do, but the day to day seems bearable. So now I have to look into a ton of fields to see which ones might interest me the most. I should do this before Friday because they are having an admissions workshop for us. I still need to decide between Chem and Bio, or Biochem. Then I have to look into all those subfields. I'm thinking I might want to do something that is more directly a medical science. Or will that put me too close to the med students?

For the last few weeks I've been feeling (at least a little bit) that if I could find a suitable alternative, I'll be able to give up this medicine caprice. It's an outdated dream that just doesn't resonate with who I have become. The more I look into myself the more I am convinced that music is my one, true passion and that while I will not be doing it professionally I should strive to be my very best. I think I can still have a successful career, just as long as it doesn't take over ALL of my time.

Research is growing on me because due to the creativity factor. While what you learn in med school is facinating, the applications of it are mundane. After you do it a while it must become routine, boring. Meanwhile science keeps moving ahead. And your little paper on some protein may down the line lead to something bigger. It is research scientists, not physicians, who are really making strides.

That all being said, working on patients still appeals to me in some way. More recently I have started looking into the PA option. I was unwilling to explore it before because of the lack of prestige factor. But I am caring less and less about that. What good will it do me to have a bunch of initials after my name if I stay a sucky oboist forever and am miserable? I caught myself thinking that all I want is a "medical day job" the other day. The very next day I decide to look into PA and lo and behold it's the closest to a medical day job one could ever find. Is that a sign?

Right now my priority listing goes something like this:
Grad School for science (must decide field and level)
Med school (must contend with MCAT)
PA
Education (high school science)

Though I have more choices than ever before I actually feel somewhat at peace because I feel as though it WILL be one of them. This is because I am happy with the PA as a back-up option. If neither grad school or med school work out, I think I can be quite happy as a PA.

Regardless of my choice come September I will likely have to go back and take more classes. UGH! Then again I tend to be better with my time when I have more to do.

P.S. Then there's the whole kid question.