Hahaha! I should have known that the med thoughts wouldn't magically disappear. I've been trying to work through why it is so hard for me to give up on it. Is it only due to it being a life-long dream? Or is there really a part of me that REALLY believes it's what I should do and would like doing? Last week I thought I had made an insight when it occured to me that I need the medical degree in order to feel good about myself. OOoh, that sounds worse that it is. What I mean is that I won't be happy with my accomplishments in life unless I also do med school. I very strongly feel that it's something I would do well in and enjoy. If I don't do it I will have to live with the "what if" for the rest of my life.

But what's worse? Living with the "what if" but having the time to do a lot of stuff (have kids, play oboe, return to martial arts, hang out with loved ones) OR going for that dream and possibly missing out on other stuff. The sticky thing is the "possibly". Why am I so negative on the med thing? Have I allowed others to discourage me? I think I have to some extent, but for the most part a lot of what I fear about it is actually true. But who's not to say that it would actually turn out easier than I'm expecting? And then I could indeed have it all!

I just don't feel comfortable feeling like I will be missing out on something when I am perfectly capable of going for it.

If only I could be assured that I'd still be able to play with a GOOD community orchestra if I were to do med school. And that I'd still have time for my future kid. But would I even enjoy these things with the stress that comes with being a doctor? UGH!

The PA option is good, it really is. I still have to shadow one though to confirm. Lately I've been worried that I'll feel like I sold out if I do it though. To some degree giving up on med school feels like I am giving up on my dream of finding a job I really like. This was the whole reason I quit my corporate job. Because I had hope that there was something out there for me and I set out on a quest to find it. Med school is just one more year of basic science. And 4th year is supposed to be the easiest of all. So with perhaps only a bit more effort I'd be able to get the MD instead of the PA. But then there's residency to contend with. But even that is only temporary. I worry that PA will eventually feel like a job to get money, just like my other job. Not a true career. But will any of this matter if I really dive into music more????

Oh well, for now it's between MD and PA. I will take my extra courses either way and hopefully figure it out by next summer. By which point other little things should be going on in my life . . .

Priority List:
MD
PA