Yesterday was the last day of my summer research internship. We had to present our project to the entire lab. I knew this all along and even though the other girls started their presentations last week, I didn't even start to get an itch about it until maybe Monday of this week. Since I would be talking about our results and we were still in the middle of an experiment, I thus justified my late start. I ended up sleeping 7 hours total Wednesday and Thursday nights. At 10:56 am, 4 minutes before we were due to present, I finally finished my slides and printed out my notes on them. The other girls had spent days going over their presentations with each other. I didn't even have time to reread my notes.

It turned out pretty well. My part was the shortest, but this was expected due to the nature of what I was presenting. There's just a lot more to say about the background of the disease we were studying and the methods we used in the lab.

Afterwards they had a pizza lunch in our honor and we stayed there talking to people for over an hour. I was amazed by the feeling of comaraderie I felt. It was almost scary. All my life I've tended to feel like I don't belong anywhere for a variety of reasons (cultural background, religion, interests, nerd factor, etc.). Yet here I was sitting around a table with a bunch of biologists and chemical engineers and I was having the time of my life. We had the kookiest lunch conversations, stuff that would appal or simply bore most other people. Yet there we were all talking excitedly and laughing.

For me it was a mini-revelation. I have always put myself down and let myself get intimidated by folks with heavy degrees. I've never felt "worthy" of their presence and when I'm around them I either shell up or go out of my way to impress. After the presentation my guards were down, I was being myself, and I managed to pipe in with comments and jokes that were very well received. What does that tell me? That I need to calm the hell down and not fear at all times that I am not smart enough or worthy.

So the end result of this program was that I was infused with a much needed dosage of confidence regarding my scientific skills/potential.

However, my procrastination problem remains very real and needs to be addressed in order for me to succeed at anything. Yesterday I felt like I could take a risk and try something "hard". That the only reason I wouldn't succeed was not because I was missing something, but because I couldn't get my ass off a chair to stop procrastinating. How bad would I feel then? If I don't do anything with myself because I just couldn't stop procrastinating??? I would MUCH prefer to have tried something and failed for a legitimate reason like I simply didn't enjoy it or even it was too hard for me, but I tried.

So here I am with enthusiasm for science and learning (i.e. school) again and still unclear about the direction to head. I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go! My exposure to this research has had effects on me that I don't think I truly understand yet. Right now I feel that if I never did research again that I would be missing out on something. I can't shake the feeling that perhaps my creative, laid-back personality might be better suited for a lab than a hospital. But I also can't deny that I do enjoy talking with and helping people, especially those from my community.

Arg! Let me stop here so that I can enjoy this lovely weather today without thinking about my PROBLEM the entire time.