Hello, ignored blog. I really wish I could write in you everyday. It would be funny to see how often I change my mind about this career thing.

I tried going into the research internship with the least amount of expectations. I didn't want to be let down again like the Dental thing I did in January. The first week at the internship I was miserable. First off, the other two interns are gung-ho pre-meds. Not only do they want to be physicians, they're seriously considering MD/PhD's. That's like the ultimate prize according to the anal side of me. They were infecting me with their enthusiasm and their reassurances that I could indeed have a life as a medical doctor. They kept insisting that I was allowing myself to get weeded out by the lengthy application process. Could all these people really be wrong? Or is it most likely me who is being a pessimist?

By the end of the first week I was hating research and trying to figure out whether I could still prepare for the August MCAT. Much crying occurred this week too as I dealt with anger issues regarding my Dad and my stupid decisions from the past. I felt so unhappy with myself and what I had made of my life.

Now, at the end of week two of the internship I can say that research is starting to grow on me, ever so slightly. There's something to be said for getting paid to think and run science experiments. I know this is not all that research scientists do, but the day to day seems bearable. So now I have to look into a ton of fields to see which ones might interest me the most. I should do this before Friday because they are having an admissions workshop for us. I still need to decide between Chem and Bio, or Biochem. Then I have to look into all those subfields. I'm thinking I might want to do something that is more directly a medical science. Or will that put me too close to the med students?

For the last few weeks I've been feeling (at least a little bit) that if I could find a suitable alternative, I'll be able to give up this medicine caprice. It's an outdated dream that just doesn't resonate with who I have become. The more I look into myself the more I am convinced that music is my one, true passion and that while I will not be doing it professionally I should strive to be my very best. I think I can still have a successful career, just as long as it doesn't take over ALL of my time.

Research is growing on me because due to the creativity factor. While what you learn in med school is facinating, the applications of it are mundane. After you do it a while it must become routine, boring. Meanwhile science keeps moving ahead. And your little paper on some protein may down the line lead to something bigger. It is research scientists, not physicians, who are really making strides.

That all being said, working on patients still appeals to me in some way. More recently I have started looking into the PA option. I was unwilling to explore it before because of the lack of prestige factor. But I am caring less and less about that. What good will it do me to have a bunch of initials after my name if I stay a sucky oboist forever and am miserable? I caught myself thinking that all I want is a "medical day job" the other day. The very next day I decide to look into PA and lo and behold it's the closest to a medical day job one could ever find. Is that a sign?

Right now my priority listing goes something like this:
Grad School for science (must decide field and level)
Med school (must contend with MCAT)
PA
Education (high school science)

Though I have more choices than ever before I actually feel somewhat at peace because I feel as though it WILL be one of them. This is because I am happy with the PA as a back-up option. If neither grad school or med school work out, I think I can be quite happy as a PA.

Regardless of my choice come September I will likely have to go back and take more classes. UGH! Then again I tend to be better with my time when I have more to do.

P.S. Then there's the whole kid question.