I went to have a talk with Prof. "Batman". It ended up being somewhat awkward because my last day of classes was over three weeks ago and because I ended up with a mediocre grade in the class. Though an uncomfortable conversation overall he did offer some simple, but enlightening advice (which is probably obvious to you but not to me since my mind just loves to overwhelm itself in regards to the career decision dilemma).

The best thing he told me was to stop focusing on the schooling involved and instead focus on what it is that I want to do in the end. Simple, right? But can you believe that I wasn't ever thinking of it that way? Maybe it's because for so many years going back to school was my escape. Now I am having a hard time reimagining myself back in the real (working) world. But he's right. Even if I did do a PhD program, I will NOT be in school (as a student) forever. I need to really think about what I want to do every day. He also warned me that all professions will include drudgery. So I also need to stop focusing so much on that too.

I think that he felt he wasn't helpful, but in fact he was. Focusing on what I want to do every day is more intuitive and will hopefully lead to clearer thinking.

He did also say that graduate work in Chemistry is probably not the best option for me given my performance in Orgo. Oh well, I kinda knew that already. I'm ok because I know there are still other things out there for me. Besides it wasn't as though I was thinking "I HAVE to do Organic Chemistry or I will die". The only thing I really feel that way about is the Oboe. Medicine comes second, but it *is* indeed there. Some sort of educational role is probably third.

So what are today's choices?
1 - Medicine
2 - Education (probably high school chemistry)

*yawn* The all-nighter so did not happen. Well, since I've only slept 4 hours each yesterday and today I guess that technically I *have* pulled something. Add up the hours as one day and the other day has no hours left!

The good news is I only have 1/3 of a lecture to still go over (Immunology). Then I can go back and review my notes and work on practice problems. That, sadly, is actually better than where I usuall am going into these tests. Chronic procrastination is such a bad thing. :( The good students pre-read the text before lectures. They also pre-read the lecture notes. Some take copious notes during lecture while others just listen. After lecture they make their own notes and go over some of the problems. Over the weekend they finish the problems for that lecture. So by the time exam time comes they've already learned all the material and focus on the extra practice problems we're given. Meanwhile I am usually going through new material the day of the test because I haven't bothered to read or look through lecture notes until a week before. UGH. I am so ashamed. Even me written here is just another form of procrastination. But it's cathartic too.

So yesterday after the Orgo final I had a really strong feeling that I shouldn't go to med school. That final was very intense and I could tell that my body was in major "stress" mode throughout. I almost tired out at the end but I made it. Studying for it was hard, especially the last two days where I did something crazy like 12+ hours. I realized though that it wasn't sooo horrible in retrospect. And if I could learn to pace myself all semester long then I'd be ok in a grad program. I'd have periods of intense stress that would eventually be followed by long reposes. However, medicine would be a lifetime of continual high stress. I am pretty sure that though I'd like my work I'd be miserable over all. My body can't handle it. Just as my beta receptors.

I was reading random blogs yesterday and I saw so many people that have full lives. They have meaningful work yet still have time to engage fully in hobbies. If I want to play a video game, damn it, I should be able to take an hour here and there to do something silly like that. Even as a premed I've had to give up so many things already. Maybe THAT'S why I've been feeling queasy about the whole thing all along. I have consciously thought about the sacrifices but they've been there. And this is only the beginning of what would happen.

I think I could be fulfilled as a scientist or ethnomusicologist or something. Maybe it *would* be ok to have to move around at the whim of academia. Hmmmm. I have to get over my unproductiveness first.

Official end-of-semester countdown: 9 hours!

I'm contemplating pulling an all-nighter for my Bio final tomorrow. I know that I really should get some sleep but I am behind (surprise, surprise) and could really use more review.

The Orgo final today was BRUTAL! It was way too long despite the professor's reassurances that we would not feel pressed for time. And while the questions on mechanisms, aromaticity, and biochem were fair, the synthesis problems were killers! *sigh* I left with all hopes of getting any kind of A dashed. I am not sure if I am far away enough from the curve for a B+. I was above the curve on all three midterms that counted (he drops the lowerst) going into the final. But I'm not sure if I'll have enough points plus he might be curving to a B-. I'll find out what I got on the final on Friday. They're letting us view them.

Sooooo now I need an 81 to get a B+ in Bio. I've been averaging an 80 on my tests so it could happen.

But for now I am preparing myself for a minor GPA plunge due to excessive B's. Oh, and I think I have ADD. You know, I'll admit that at first I saw that diagnosis as a bit of an "excuse" or something. It just seemed too convenient; I misunderstood the condition. But I've been working on a self-help book that's gotten me thinking about my major issues. And I was surprised with what I discovered about myself. The theme that kept running through all aspects of my life was an inability to stay focused and do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. Studying for these finals has been torture. My mind wanders off about every 3 minutes, no kidding. I can't stop it. I don't remember if I was like this before. Or maybe I just never tried studying this hard. But there is definitely something not quite right.

98 mechanisms!

I have to remember 98 mechanisms for my Organic Chemistry final on Monday. Kill me now.