Guess what? I am still undecided. I think that if someone where to measure how much my decision fluctuates, I'd be institutionalized.

So I've now been working as a Medical Assistant for nearly 7 weeks. I was excited at first, then overwhelmed, then apprehensive, and now pretty content. It's hard and I'm tired and it gets very stressful and sometimes I have to deal with people I'd rather not deal with or do things I'd rather not do. But today I realized something kind of amazing. I actually don't mind going into work. RIght now I am not completely dreading having to go in tomorrow. In fact, I am quite ok with it. It doesn't feel perfect but I am definitely content.

So the lesson is that this field is certainly the best match for me so far. Corporate I know was a nearly complete bust. Education was much better, but this is an even better fit.

Now the question that remains is where exactly is my niche. Do I want to stay in direct patient care forever? I think I'd want it to some degree always. But ideally it would be nice to mix things up. Right now I have both patient and administrative duties. Switching is always jarring, but then I fall back into whichever one I just switched too. I think this is healthier than burning out on one.

Being around doctors every day has indeed rekindled my pre-med dreams but that doesn't mean that I am any more motivated to do what needs to get done. Is that a sign? I do what needs to get done for my music stuff yet I refuse to get off my ass to start studying for the MCAT. IS THAT A SIGN?? I feel like I want medicine 99%, but I want music 150%. But music is a hobby. So how do I justify giving up a life-long dream for a hobby? Even if the hobby IS probably my true passion? And do I really want to be a doctor or do I just want to fulfill that dream just because? I worry that I am focusing too much on the supposed "prestige" aspect of it. I will be ok with the PA idea until I hear people say things like "I don't want to be seen by just a PA", etc. Can I deal with these kinds of feelings long-term?

Does any of this even matter? How will things change once I have children? Will career matter even less? Will the sacrifices needed for medicine seem completely ridiculous? That's how they almost feel now.

But I always wonder if I've maligned the whole thing in my head to try to talk myself out of it because what I am really am is terrified.

But life is too short and precious. Most times I just want to enjoy it doing things like hanging out with my husband and other loved ones, calling friends, reading books for fun, and of course listening to and playing music. Oh and I also enjoy other things. I can be kind of "domestic" at times. ANd I'd love to travel more and get into photography. COuld I do any of these as an MD? Is it MDs themselves that have created this whole martyr image? Or is it really that bad????