(I started this post the day after and finished it a few days later)

HALLELUJAH!!

I have never ever been more relieved than I felt the moment I walked out of that test today. Woah. I hadn't realized (thankfully) how much of a burden this test had become in my life. It was as though the weight of the world was removed from my shoulders.

This past week has all been a blur as I tried to cram in topics which I still felt unsure about. What can I say, I am a crammer. And hey, it has worked for me for the most part. There was at least one question, possibly two, on the test today that dealt with stuff I reviewed on the train trip down.

I managed to sleep decently well last night (better than the night before where I tossed and turned). A little swig of Nyquil helped. It was still a pain to get up at 5:30. I left Mom's apartment (I stayed over since my test was in the City) at 6:20 and the weather was perfect. I was quite nervous and could feel my heart racing so I tried desperately to conjure up an image that would help me calm down. The one I ended up with was quite dramatic but I think it worked. As I walked along the empty street towards the sunlight I imagined that my goals where there at the horizon. Getting back my grades. Getting into medical school. Going up on stage for my white coat ceremony. Then I imagined that behind me was everyone who has demonstrated support to me. Even some of you who remained faceless. I tried to picture each and every person who wished me well and thanked them. I could almost feel them literally behind me. I had a sudden sensation that almost made me cry, it was pretty strong. I just felt so grateful and I wanted so badly to make these people proud.

All was almost lost as soon as I sat in for the test though. The very first physical sciences section freaked me out. I was in a panic, living my worst nightmare for a few minutes. Some of the things I thought in my head in those first few minutes were (in rough order):


"I knew you'd mess up. You're going to choke and have to void the exam. Why don't you just walk out now?"
"Will I annoy the others in the room if I start crying?"
"You must calm down and at least try."
"But you're going to run out of time and not even see all the questions in this section!"
"What if you don't get a single question right?"
"How am I going to face everyone and tell them that I screwed up royally?"
"OMG, doing bad on this test is going to set me back a year. I won't be able to apply for 2008"
"Wait, maybe that is not so bad. Maybe I can just take the extra year to start my family"
"Oooo, baby . .. "
"OMG, 5 minutes have just passed and as it is I am usually pressed for time in this section"
"I can't at least try. Must. Calm. Down."
"SHUT UP AND THINK!!!"
. . . silence . . .

A photon is reflected . . .

And so eventually I did manage to get my head out of my @ss and to work on that section. I think I ended up spending maybe 15 minutes on those 6 questions, which did indeed set me up to run out of time for the section. I did make it to the end but was unable to review any of my answers. Not sure it would have mattered. For weeks I was focusing on optics because that was giving me a hard time (my ophthalmologists bosses at work said it gave them a hard time on their boards too). They somehow managed to make this section so difficult that the optics questions felt doable. Let's pray for a nice curve there.

When time was up I ran out to take my 10 minute break. I still was unable to force anything down so I only took a few sips of my Vitamin Water and prayed for calm and confidence for the rest of the test. Thankfully, the panic and anxiety did NOT return and I felt much better about the rest of the test.

The verbal reasoning section did NOT have ANY passages on the topics I hate: geology, economics, and political philosophy. It didn't even have history, government, or law. I was so psyched!! The questions were mostly on sociology, literature, and psychology, topics my fellow pre-meds usually hate, but that the artsy fartsy side of me loves. All of the passages were actually interesting so I am hoping for a good score here. Same thing goes for the essay. Both topics were of interest to me and I think that I did an acceptable job on them.

The last section was biological sciences. By this point I realized that I was about 1.5 hours away from the test being over so I was starting to feel kind of excited. I finished with 15 minutes to spare and was able to go back and review stuff.

So on June 27th or so I should find out how I did. I will start on my AMCAS (the online central application for most medical schools) but won't submit it until I get my grade. I am back to being happy with a 30. I am not as sure about whether I'll hit a 10 in each section or not. I think that PS can be anywhere between 9-11 (+/- 1), I am hoping for maybe a 12 in verbal (though it's more likely to be an 11) and at least a 10 in Bio. The essay I am unsure about. Hopefully at least an "O". So I guess the score can range between a 27 for a pretty bad showing and a 35 if all the planets align. Statistically speaking the most likely score is a 31, which I will run with :-)

Freaking out . . .

I hate that this template doesn't have a title field. How else will I make a cohesive post without a way to blatantly state my thesis?

So I took my 7th and final full-length practice MCAT this morning/afternoon and didn't score as well as I had hoped. It came as no surprise since I was tired, hungry, and cold. I must remember to take a sweater with me that day and possibly gloves. Who can think when you're losing sensation to your fingers?

It's still somewhat surreal that after avoiding this test since 1993 or so, it is now just days away. After my practice test on Saturday, on which I got my second highest score, I was ready and pumped. Now I am a little deflated (well, my ego is) but I think I can recover by Friday. The good thing is that I still have Wednesday off.

All I pray for is a score that I can live with. Here is breakdown:

Under 28: Find me some rope so I can hang myself

28-29: This is the worst. So close, yet so far. I really hope to NOT be in this category because then I have to make a very difficult decision regarding whether or not it's worth applying with those scores. Chances are I'd take another year and retake next year and focus perhaps on TTC instead. Maybe I'd be better at that. Or heck, maybe I'd just go to music school and be broke forever. Trust me, I daydream about that option surprisingly often.

30-31: I will be quite content with either of these scores. Not quite stellar, but good enoguh.

32-34: This is where I feel like I have a good chance of falling. *crosses fingers* I will be quite happy if I end up here.

35 and above: Who knows? It could happen. I did hit a 36 on one of the practice test. Unlikely, but I will be estatic should this happen. I will have to find myriad ways to reward my brilliance (or luck).

My final averages from my practice tests is as follows:
VR 11.3
BS 9.7
PS 10.4
Total 31.4

Ugh. I am so dismayed by that Bio score. I don't know what's going on with that. My scores keep fluctuating between 8 and 12. So I have no clue where it will end up.

I feel pretty ok about hitting the 30 minumum as most of my scores were at least a 30, but as you see there is a possibility of me getting less than a 10 in any one section and that would royally suck. Then again I am focusing on the just as likely possibility of being near 11 on all sections, which would be way cool.

I am such an underachiever. I studied quite a decent amount but I am sure no where as much as I should have/could have. I know deep down that had I truly devoted myself 100% to this I could have been in the mid to high 30's. The issues was the total devotion. That's just not going to happen when all this stuff is competing with my passion. I have to be content with not being the very best, and I think that I am for the most part. It's just that somedays I feel like I am not really great at anything.

But that's the price I pay for doing this the way I am doing it, out of order. At least I will be able to do it, but my choices will be different from what they would have been had I done things right the first time around. My choices will be strongly influenced by my trying to keep my life as balanced as possible. Nothing wrong with that.

This blabbing is making me feel better. Good. Maybe I will take another practice test in chunks between now and Friday. Maybe not. All I know is that my countdown to freedom is now at 4! WOOT!