(I started this post the day after and finished it a few days later)

HALLELUJAH!!

I have never ever been more relieved than I felt the moment I walked out of that test today. Woah. I hadn't realized (thankfully) how much of a burden this test had become in my life. It was as though the weight of the world was removed from my shoulders.

This past week has all been a blur as I tried to cram in topics which I still felt unsure about. What can I say, I am a crammer. And hey, it has worked for me for the most part. There was at least one question, possibly two, on the test today that dealt with stuff I reviewed on the train trip down.

I managed to sleep decently well last night (better than the night before where I tossed and turned). A little swig of Nyquil helped. It was still a pain to get up at 5:30. I left Mom's apartment (I stayed over since my test was in the City) at 6:20 and the weather was perfect. I was quite nervous and could feel my heart racing so I tried desperately to conjure up an image that would help me calm down. The one I ended up with was quite dramatic but I think it worked. As I walked along the empty street towards the sunlight I imagined that my goals where there at the horizon. Getting back my grades. Getting into medical school. Going up on stage for my white coat ceremony. Then I imagined that behind me was everyone who has demonstrated support to me. Even some of you who remained faceless. I tried to picture each and every person who wished me well and thanked them. I could almost feel them literally behind me. I had a sudden sensation that almost made me cry, it was pretty strong. I just felt so grateful and I wanted so badly to make these people proud.

All was almost lost as soon as I sat in for the test though. The very first physical sciences section freaked me out. I was in a panic, living my worst nightmare for a few minutes. Some of the things I thought in my head in those first few minutes were (in rough order):


"I knew you'd mess up. You're going to choke and have to void the exam. Why don't you just walk out now?"
"Will I annoy the others in the room if I start crying?"
"You must calm down and at least try."
"But you're going to run out of time and not even see all the questions in this section!"
"What if you don't get a single question right?"
"How am I going to face everyone and tell them that I screwed up royally?"
"OMG, doing bad on this test is going to set me back a year. I won't be able to apply for 2008"
"Wait, maybe that is not so bad. Maybe I can just take the extra year to start my family"
"Oooo, baby . .. "
"OMG, 5 minutes have just passed and as it is I am usually pressed for time in this section"
"I can't at least try. Must. Calm. Down."
"SHUT UP AND THINK!!!"
. . . silence . . .

A photon is reflected . . .

And so eventually I did manage to get my head out of my @ss and to work on that section. I think I ended up spending maybe 15 minutes on those 6 questions, which did indeed set me up to run out of time for the section. I did make it to the end but was unable to review any of my answers. Not sure it would have mattered. For weeks I was focusing on optics because that was giving me a hard time (my ophthalmologists bosses at work said it gave them a hard time on their boards too). They somehow managed to make this section so difficult that the optics questions felt doable. Let's pray for a nice curve there.

When time was up I ran out to take my 10 minute break. I still was unable to force anything down so I only took a few sips of my Vitamin Water and prayed for calm and confidence for the rest of the test. Thankfully, the panic and anxiety did NOT return and I felt much better about the rest of the test.

The verbal reasoning section did NOT have ANY passages on the topics I hate: geology, economics, and political philosophy. It didn't even have history, government, or law. I was so psyched!! The questions were mostly on sociology, literature, and psychology, topics my fellow pre-meds usually hate, but that the artsy fartsy side of me loves. All of the passages were actually interesting so I am hoping for a good score here. Same thing goes for the essay. Both topics were of interest to me and I think that I did an acceptable job on them.

The last section was biological sciences. By this point I realized that I was about 1.5 hours away from the test being over so I was starting to feel kind of excited. I finished with 15 minutes to spare and was able to go back and review stuff.

So on June 27th or so I should find out how I did. I will start on my AMCAS (the online central application for most medical schools) but won't submit it until I get my grade. I am back to being happy with a 30. I am not as sure about whether I'll hit a 10 in each section or not. I think that PS can be anywhere between 9-11 (+/- 1), I am hoping for maybe a 12 in verbal (though it's more likely to be an 11) and at least a 10 in Bio. The essay I am unsure about. Hopefully at least an "O". So I guess the score can range between a 27 for a pretty bad showing and a 35 if all the planets align. Statistically speaking the most likely score is a 31, which I will run with :-)