I'm so undecided, I'm so undecided. I'm so undecided. Tralalalalaaaaaaaaa! I should make a real song out of this.

Today officially marks my most undecided-ness!! You know it's bad when you are trying to figure things out in your dreams. I spent most of the night discussing this with a friend. This morning I was talking about it with my husband during out commute in and that's when I realized that I am more confused than ever.

The idea of using scientific knowledge and applying it to clinical problems still appeals to me. There is something gratifying about someone coming to you with symptoms or abnormal labs and you figuring out what's wrong and dispensing care, whether than be through a therapeutic agent, surgery, or just talking. It's also cool if you understand exactly how such agent is supposed to work in the body. which receptors and pathways are involved. the chemical structure and function of the active ingredient. Then you have the gratification of knowing you improved that person's life. This is especially sweet if it's someone from an underserved community.

But at what point in the process do I want to be involved? Do I want to be the pharmacologist working on the drugs? Or the biologist who figured out which proteins are involves? Or perhaps there's something genetic going on? Maybe I could be a chemist? Or do I want to be the diagnostician? Or would I be happier working with my hands as some kind of surgeon?

I guess I feel slightly comforted by the fact that all these fields are actually intertwined. My problem has now shifted to where in the line do I want to function.
MD/PhD still seems cool because I could hit up the line at different points. But would it cost me my music? I can't imagine a happy life without it.

If I must choose one over the other, which should I choose? MD offers more options but again at what cost? My personality seems to be a better fit for PhD, but do I have enough interest in basic science?

Where will I make the most meaningful contributions? Where will I work most productively? Where will I be happiest day to day?

I need to pray ...

Oh yeah, the list:
(1) MD/PhD - for the reason I mentioned above
(2) MD - ditto
(3) PhD in Chemistry, Chem E., Pharmacology, or Path - one side of the continuum
(4) PA - the other side of the continuum
(5) MS in Chemistry to work in industry or teach
(6) Ed.D - I may as well throw everything in here
(7) PhD in Ethnomusicology - yeah let's bring it all back

The continuum:
|__________||________||______||_____||____|
Science PhD------MudPhud-------MD--------PA------Ed

Yesterday was the last day of my summer research internship. We had to present our project to the entire lab. I knew this all along and even though the other girls started their presentations last week, I didn't even start to get an itch about it until maybe Monday of this week. Since I would be talking about our results and we were still in the middle of an experiment, I thus justified my late start. I ended up sleeping 7 hours total Wednesday and Thursday nights. At 10:56 am, 4 minutes before we were due to present, I finally finished my slides and printed out my notes on them. The other girls had spent days going over their presentations with each other. I didn't even have time to reread my notes.

It turned out pretty well. My part was the shortest, but this was expected due to the nature of what I was presenting. There's just a lot more to say about the background of the disease we were studying and the methods we used in the lab.

Afterwards they had a pizza lunch in our honor and we stayed there talking to people for over an hour. I was amazed by the feeling of comaraderie I felt. It was almost scary. All my life I've tended to feel like I don't belong anywhere for a variety of reasons (cultural background, religion, interests, nerd factor, etc.). Yet here I was sitting around a table with a bunch of biologists and chemical engineers and I was having the time of my life. We had the kookiest lunch conversations, stuff that would appal or simply bore most other people. Yet there we were all talking excitedly and laughing.

For me it was a mini-revelation. I have always put myself down and let myself get intimidated by folks with heavy degrees. I've never felt "worthy" of their presence and when I'm around them I either shell up or go out of my way to impress. After the presentation my guards were down, I was being myself, and I managed to pipe in with comments and jokes that were very well received. What does that tell me? That I need to calm the hell down and not fear at all times that I am not smart enough or worthy.

So the end result of this program was that I was infused with a much needed dosage of confidence regarding my scientific skills/potential.

However, my procrastination problem remains very real and needs to be addressed in order for me to succeed at anything. Yesterday I felt like I could take a risk and try something "hard". That the only reason I wouldn't succeed was not because I was missing something, but because I couldn't get my ass off a chair to stop procrastinating. How bad would I feel then? If I don't do anything with myself because I just couldn't stop procrastinating??? I would MUCH prefer to have tried something and failed for a legitimate reason like I simply didn't enjoy it or even it was too hard for me, but I tried.

So here I am with enthusiasm for science and learning (i.e. school) again and still unclear about the direction to head. I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go! My exposure to this research has had effects on me that I don't think I truly understand yet. Right now I feel that if I never did research again that I would be missing out on something. I can't shake the feeling that perhaps my creative, laid-back personality might be better suited for a lab than a hospital. But I also can't deny that I do enjoy talking with and helping people, especially those from my community.

Arg! Let me stop here so that I can enjoy this lovely weather today without thinking about my PROBLEM the entire time.

I am freaking ridiculous. Why can't I just figure this out already?

After spending most of yesterday doing chemistry related experiments I suddenly felt as though I would miss out on something if I never again did research. There's something exiting about being on the cutting edge of science. As a kid I always wanted to be a physician but I also assumed that they were true scientists too. I didn't understand that medical doctors were not the same as doctors of science. So I thought that my days would include seeing patients and lab work with erlenmeyer flasks.

Now I know a lot more about these professions yet it's hard to let go of these childhood dreams. At first being a scientist seemed dull compared to the drama of an OR, ER, or clinic. But now that I've been exposed to life in the lab for two months I am already feeling nostalgic about it (even though I still have one more day here). There's something to be said for getting to TRULY work on science all day (as opposed to its applications).

Ahh, if I were young again (and in command of all I know now) I would certainly be applying MD/PhD to try to get the best of both worlds. Now I must make a difficult decision. A PhD in something like Chemical Engineering would put me on the cutting edge and offer opportunities in industry as well as academia. I know, I kept saying I wouldn't return to corporate, and it wouldn't be my ideal. But it would be an option if I wanted to have it. And it would have to be much better than what I did before because I (hopefully) would be working with other motivated people on stimulating work. But, I digress. The PA option would allow me to do clinical work in a comparatively short amount of time, letting me retake control of my life while still in my 30's. The MD option could potentially allow me to do both. But is clinical research as stimulating as basic science work? It seems not. They're not really coming up with any innovations. All the clinical papers I've seen are things like "I tried this drug on some patients" or "This drug also seems to do this to certain patients when the moon is full and Mercury is aligned to the Earth".

I want to pull my hair out! I guess I should be thankful that I have these choices. And, really, I am. But it doesn't make my decision any easier.

Ok back to my presentation for tomorrow.

List:
1. MD (cause I could do a bit o' everything)
2. PhD in Chem or Chem E.
3. PA

As soon as I clear up some of the other peoples' baggage in my life and take better control of my own, my med thoughts return. With my parents out of the country, my brother happy about that, and my mother-in-law with her plane ticket purchased, I now have the opportunity to think more about my own crap at least for a little while. Lo and behold, what's the first thing that pops into my mind? "I am superwoman, I CAN have it all. I CAN go to med school with a small infant and while still studying the oboe seriously." So delusional am I.

Well I am not going to fight anything for now. For now the Fall plan goes into effect regardless. I will take Biochemistry and Microbiology this coming semester, while working, playing, and exercising too. I need to prove to myself that I can make it work. Particularly the school bit. I still feel that if I can conquer my procrastination habits that I will be ok. The good thing is that this program has remotivated me in terms of learning science. I've learned enough to make me curious again and I want to excel in my classes.

I thought I had completely eliminated scientific research from my choices, but I guess I have not. We've been doing stuff with a more chemical slant this last week and I think that I do have enough interest in it potentially. However I also feel that due to time contraints that I need to choose one over the other (clinical vs. research). If I were 22 instead of 32 I'd definitely do MD/PhD. Now I need to choose one and for the most part I feel like I'd rather see patients. But there is something exhilirating about MAKING science. Something that resonates with me. It seems a better use of my strengths. But then again interest can trump that and I do still feel that diseases interest me more than even organic chemistry.

Oh well. I'm not out of the woods yet. But I am finally really looking for ways out.

Oh yeah the list:
1) MD/PhD (in an alternate universe)
2) MD (cause I could still do research with this)
3) PhD in Chemistry
4) PA (it's only so far down because I feel overconfident today)

So I am back to the PA thing. Why? Because as much as I do enjoy medicine and science I want my mind to be free to wander to music as much as it pleases to. Right now I have a lot of time and I am easily filling it with things musical. It feels so nice and creamy to be thinking about music. I just want to enjoy it in peace. Without stress and pressure. Not that PA will be a walk in the park, but it wouldn't be as bad as medicine.

Life is too darn short!

Too bad I didn't do med school in my twenties (which I ended up wasting anyway).

Speaking of waste, my husband was very tired tonight and went right to bed after dinner. Tsk tsk tsk.