As of right now, the official mind change count for the day is 3. I woke up this morning feeling pretty gung-ho about pre-med. I realized that even though I am definitely interested in the field and can totally see myself in it, I tend to associate VERY negative feelings with the whole process. They are mostly fear-based feelings, with only my fear of nuclear war or losing someone I love being greater. Ok maybe that's an exaggeration but seriously I am very afraid of the physician training process. In an almost panic-attack inducing way. I have a palpable fear that something bad will happen to me if I go for it. For a while I was trying to use this as a "sign" against doing it. But I don't think I believe in such signs anymore. We are not predestined for anything. We make our lives as we go along. It took me 30 years to find something I love doing unconditionally. How about if I had locked in to something else from a young age thinking that it was my "destiny". How about all the interests we develop as we grow older. Interest in things we never thought about or were even exposed to previously. For instance I'm really intrigued by playing poker nowadays. Who would have thunk it?

Anyway so I woke up wanting to be a doctor again or at least wanting to believe that it could result in a happy ending. By the time I got out of Bio lecture about 3 hours later I was pretty sure I'd rather be a science professor. Three hours after that I was back to thinking that being a doctor might indeed work.

All of this back and forth is so exhausting that I can't even explain it in words. It's getting hard to wake up every day and stay happy and motivated when I have no idea where my life is heading. I quit a very comfotable job for uncertainy.

I am doing everything in my power to try to stay positive and to believe that this will all resolve itself soon. But I don't know. Deep down I am a bit afraid. Because even though I AM very fulfilled by my oboe hobby I know that I do need to do something productive careerwise. It's just that I have made so many stupid decisions and have so many regrets about the last 10 years. I don't want to look back when I'm 40 and realize that I screwed up my 30's too. SHIT! That would suck.

I'll finish off with two interesting quotes from people to me this week:
1 - (Orgo lab TA) "You need to figure out if you want to be working on the foundations of science or on its applications."
2 - (3rd year resident at the GYN clinic) "Free-spirited and spiritual minded people have no place in the corporate world."

And here I was thinking that a pro for chemistry was the possibility of going into industry. Who was I kidding?

Today (well, yesterday) was Earth Day. And it was also MCAT day. My poor friends from school were all going through that trial by fire. I am so glad I decided NOT to take it in April. There is no way I would have survived with my sanity intact. Plus there's still the whole question of what the hell am I doing with my life anyway?

Kaplan gave me a 2-for-1 deal when I signed up for MCAT prep so even though I dropped out of my prep course for the April test I was able to get myself signed up for a new session. This time I am doing the online prep course. Commuting to another school in the evenings was a stupid idea even though it was halfway between my school and home. What was I thinking? If this prep is going to get done at all it needs to happen on my own terms. Besides I am so sick of being around crazy pre-meds anyway. I need to just study on my own.

My last Orgo test is on Wednesday. I finally got through the carbohydrate stuff today, including the spatial stuff that was troubling me. That felt good. Now I just have one more topic to work on. This test feels so light compared to the last one which covered 4 major chapters. I really hope I do well so that I am not as pressured to perform on the final. Hmm, not sure there is any way around that though. Oh well.

I am considering setting up a meeting to go talk to my orgo professor. I just realized this week that if I were to apply to grad school instead of med school I could still apply for 2007 admission. Well, technically I could do that for med school too. But grad school doesn't seem as scary for some reason. I mean, in a way it seems scarier, because it is WAY more of a mental challenge in my opinion. In med school you just have to stuff huge volumes of material into your head. But the difficulty level of it is not any greater than what I am working on now. And you are not required to come up with new knowledge in the field. Science grad school is a whole other beast. I would have to keep working on really difficult stuff. And even come up with some of my own! I am both intrigued and freaked out by that. A part of me feels that it may indeed be the right fit for me. That I may be a tad too creative of a thinker for med school. But another part of me is scared sh-tless about it. I feel like I can definitely pass med school but that I stand a chance at getting kicked out of grad school for not being smart enough. Or not working hard enough. Or something or other.

It's weird. I should be freaked out that I *STILL* don't know what the hell I'm doing. After all I quit a nice job to become a full-time pre-med student. Now I am saying that I am not sure. 12 years later and I still can't decide if I should be a physician. But for some reason I refuse to get myself worked up about this again. I have spent so much emotional, mental, physical energy on this already. So many years wasted and frozen with fear. I am not putting my life on hold any longer. I am living it right NOW. If the decision gets made some day, great. If not, great. Whatever. I already have my true love (uhh, Luna, the oboe, if you didn't already know hehe). That's the beauty of it!!

In the meantime it looks like I might be taking the MCAT, the DAT, and the GRE at some point this year. Oh dear!

So I survived the latest round of tests. But not before two viral and one bacterial infection wrecked havoc on me, forcing me to stay in complete bed rest for almost 5 days. Those were 5 days where NO studying at all was done. Thank God that I had been mostly on top of things this time (in hopes of scoring really well). That way with the days I lost I ended up in a no worse position than I usually am for exams. *sigh* It should have been a stellar performance but at least it was't horrible. Well, then again we haven't gotten our Bio grades yet. For Orgo, I beat the mean which was as much as I had hoped for. I still have a chance at aceing the class if I kick butt on the final. I will know where I stand in Bio once I get this grade. I have low expectations for that class right now. I have no clue where I stand at in my other class, orgo lab. I had hoped to get an A but I feel that I am probably in B+/A- territory right now. *sigh*

All those days, while I was in a sick stupor in bed, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous school pressure can be. It was so weird to be grounded to a halt like that. It made me think a lot about what I truly value. And while I do enjoy learning, I found myself yearning for other things instead. I wanted to be healthy so that I could cuddle up with my hubby instead of staying away from him to protect him from conjunctivitis. I wanted to hang out with relatives and friends. I wanted to clean my house. To buy a new house with a yard. To have a baby! What the hell? How could my clock keep ticking through illness like that? Then I started having dire thoughts like how about if I stay sick forever. When I die who will really care about what kind of life I lead? Will people be saying "She was a good person, but never reached her intellectual potential?". I doubt it. Plus who would care? I would much rather them say "Damn, that woman had so much fun doing what she loved."

So I emerged from my illness less motivated about the whole med school thing than ever. Why would I want to go into something where I probably wouldn't have the "luxury" of taking days off to be sick? However, within a few days I was mildly motivated again. At least to study for my classes and try to end the semester in a decent note. I need to do as well as I can so that I will have options.

Right now I am considering grad school more seriously than med school. I've spent the last two weeks compiling an application for a summer research program. It will focus on genomics but is very multi-disciplinary so there should be some exposure to more chemistry-related fields as well. I am really hoping I get in because it will give me invaluable research experience. This is the last thing I need in order to have all the information I want to make my final career decision.

"Final". I think that's my problem. I still tend to see this decision in an almost fatalistic light. I am so afraid to make a mistake that I am hesitating to act. well, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I did leave my very comfortable job to be a full-time student this year. I feel reasonably confident that I will think of something soon.

One option I am considering if I need more time to think is to start a Chemistry master's. I could use this in various ways. If I decide to stay in Chem I can just apply to a PhD program. Or I can turn it into a Chem Ed master's and go into teaching. Or I can just follow my original plan and apply to med school. Let's see how all the cards turn out. There are so many factors to consider.

I just wish I won the lotto so that I could enroll at Mannes College of Music instead. :-D