A deadline??

I had a few moments to myself at work today. This is an amazing thing in of itself. As usual I tend to take these moments to start a pity party. I started as usual "Woe is me, for having made xyz stupid decision in the past, blah, blah, blah". As I type this I realize this is probably at least partially to blame for my complete inability to make any decisions currently. Anyway, I digress. What I started thinking about was that if I am ever to respect myself again, I need to make a decision. It's not even about the right decision anymore. I just need to make A decision. This job, like most other things I do or don't do, has become yet another way for me to procrastinate on what I am really supposed to be doing. I am yet again putting my life on hold and THAT is what is at the root of my current sense of malaise. Of course my life feels directionless. I am in yet another damn holding pattern. And the only way out of it is to make a decision. If I don't, I face years and years of feeling inadequate, of feeling that I have no control over my life. Do I really want to be bossed around at work for years to come? Hell, no. The sooner I figure something out the sooner I can get out.

So since it no longer matters whether the decision is perfect or not, I am thinking that I just need to give myself an arbitrary deadline. I will either decide that I'm applying to medical school and start going through the motions. Or I will decide that it's not for me once and for all and get as far away from the field, and its inexorable pull, as I can.

What is no longer an option is staying here for years and years while I raise a baby, etc. This is why I was starting to think ambivalently about the baby thing again (though I am know I want it). I will stick to my decision, whatever it may be, regardless of how the baby option works out. I just have to have faith that it will have to work itself out.

So, what could a good deadline be? Since I am a school geek at heart it makes sense to time it according to that schedule. I am going to give myself a deadline of Spring. If I am to do med school, I must take the MCAT in April or May. My test results are allowed to affect the decision. So that means that by June or so I will know whether I want to apply to med school and whether I stand a chance of getting in. If I decide to go for it, then I will have to stay at the job another year while I apply. If I give up on the med school idea and the PA one as well, then maybe I will do the NYC teaching fellows thing. I haven't thought about the PA option through well yet. It means having to take more courses. I really wish I could just go back to school this coming September. My job is pissing me off.

Anyway, I am going to do my very best to take control of this. One way or another. It's liberating to no longer care about whether the decision is perfect or not. I just need to make one.