So I survived the latest round of tests. But not before two viral and one bacterial infection wrecked havoc on me, forcing me to stay in complete bed rest for almost 5 days. Those were 5 days where NO studying at all was done. Thank God that I had been mostly on top of things this time (in hopes of scoring really well). That way with the days I lost I ended up in a no worse position than I usually am for exams. *sigh* It should have been a stellar performance but at least it was't horrible. Well, then again we haven't gotten our Bio grades yet. For Orgo, I beat the mean which was as much as I had hoped for. I still have a chance at aceing the class if I kick butt on the final. I will know where I stand in Bio once I get this grade. I have low expectations for that class right now. I have no clue where I stand at in my other class, orgo lab. I had hoped to get an A but I feel that I am probably in B+/A- territory right now. *sigh*

All those days, while I was in a sick stupor in bed, I couldn't help but think how ridiculous school pressure can be. It was so weird to be grounded to a halt like that. It made me think a lot about what I truly value. And while I do enjoy learning, I found myself yearning for other things instead. I wanted to be healthy so that I could cuddle up with my hubby instead of staying away from him to protect him from conjunctivitis. I wanted to hang out with relatives and friends. I wanted to clean my house. To buy a new house with a yard. To have a baby! What the hell? How could my clock keep ticking through illness like that? Then I started having dire thoughts like how about if I stay sick forever. When I die who will really care about what kind of life I lead? Will people be saying "She was a good person, but never reached her intellectual potential?". I doubt it. Plus who would care? I would much rather them say "Damn, that woman had so much fun doing what she loved."

So I emerged from my illness less motivated about the whole med school thing than ever. Why would I want to go into something where I probably wouldn't have the "luxury" of taking days off to be sick? However, within a few days I was mildly motivated again. At least to study for my classes and try to end the semester in a decent note. I need to do as well as I can so that I will have options.

Right now I am considering grad school more seriously than med school. I've spent the last two weeks compiling an application for a summer research program. It will focus on genomics but is very multi-disciplinary so there should be some exposure to more chemistry-related fields as well. I am really hoping I get in because it will give me invaluable research experience. This is the last thing I need in order to have all the information I want to make my final career decision.

"Final". I think that's my problem. I still tend to see this decision in an almost fatalistic light. I am so afraid to make a mistake that I am hesitating to act. well, I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I did leave my very comfortable job to be a full-time student this year. I feel reasonably confident that I will think of something soon.

One option I am considering if I need more time to think is to start a Chemistry master's. I could use this in various ways. If I decide to stay in Chem I can just apply to a PhD program. Or I can turn it into a Chem Ed master's and go into teaching. Or I can just follow my original plan and apply to med school. Let's see how all the cards turn out. There are so many factors to consider.

I just wish I won the lotto so that I could enroll at Mannes College of Music instead. :-D