As of right now, the official mind change count for the day is 3. I woke up this morning feeling pretty gung-ho about pre-med. I realized that even though I am definitely interested in the field and can totally see myself in it, I tend to associate VERY negative feelings with the whole process. They are mostly fear-based feelings, with only my fear of nuclear war or losing someone I love being greater. Ok maybe that's an exaggeration but seriously I am very afraid of the physician training process. In an almost panic-attack inducing way. I have a palpable fear that something bad will happen to me if I go for it. For a while I was trying to use this as a "sign" against doing it. But I don't think I believe in such signs anymore. We are not predestined for anything. We make our lives as we go along. It took me 30 years to find something I love doing unconditionally. How about if I had locked in to something else from a young age thinking that it was my "destiny". How about all the interests we develop as we grow older. Interest in things we never thought about or were even exposed to previously. For instance I'm really intrigued by playing poker nowadays. Who would have thunk it?

Anyway so I woke up wanting to be a doctor again or at least wanting to believe that it could result in a happy ending. By the time I got out of Bio lecture about 3 hours later I was pretty sure I'd rather be a science professor. Three hours after that I was back to thinking that being a doctor might indeed work.

All of this back and forth is so exhausting that I can't even explain it in words. It's getting hard to wake up every day and stay happy and motivated when I have no idea where my life is heading. I quit a very comfotable job for uncertainy.

I am doing everything in my power to try to stay positive and to believe that this will all resolve itself soon. But I don't know. Deep down I am a bit afraid. Because even though I AM very fulfilled by my oboe hobby I know that I do need to do something productive careerwise. It's just that I have made so many stupid decisions and have so many regrets about the last 10 years. I don't want to look back when I'm 40 and realize that I screwed up my 30's too. SHIT! That would suck.

I'll finish off with two interesting quotes from people to me this week:
1 - (Orgo lab TA) "You need to figure out if you want to be working on the foundations of science or on its applications."
2 - (3rd year resident at the GYN clinic) "Free-spirited and spiritual minded people have no place in the corporate world."

And here I was thinking that a pro for chemistry was the possibility of going into industry. Who was I kidding?