Today (well, yesterday) was Earth Day. And it was also MCAT day. My poor friends from school were all going through that trial by fire. I am so glad I decided NOT to take it in April. There is no way I would have survived with my sanity intact. Plus there's still the whole question of what the hell am I doing with my life anyway?

Kaplan gave me a 2-for-1 deal when I signed up for MCAT prep so even though I dropped out of my prep course for the April test I was able to get myself signed up for a new session. This time I am doing the online prep course. Commuting to another school in the evenings was a stupid idea even though it was halfway between my school and home. What was I thinking? If this prep is going to get done at all it needs to happen on my own terms. Besides I am so sick of being around crazy pre-meds anyway. I need to just study on my own.

My last Orgo test is on Wednesday. I finally got through the carbohydrate stuff today, including the spatial stuff that was troubling me. That felt good. Now I just have one more topic to work on. This test feels so light compared to the last one which covered 4 major chapters. I really hope I do well so that I am not as pressured to perform on the final. Hmm, not sure there is any way around that though. Oh well.

I am considering setting up a meeting to go talk to my orgo professor. I just realized this week that if I were to apply to grad school instead of med school I could still apply for 2007 admission. Well, technically I could do that for med school too. But grad school doesn't seem as scary for some reason. I mean, in a way it seems scarier, because it is WAY more of a mental challenge in my opinion. In med school you just have to stuff huge volumes of material into your head. But the difficulty level of it is not any greater than what I am working on now. And you are not required to come up with new knowledge in the field. Science grad school is a whole other beast. I would have to keep working on really difficult stuff. And even come up with some of my own! I am both intrigued and freaked out by that. A part of me feels that it may indeed be the right fit for me. That I may be a tad too creative of a thinker for med school. But another part of me is scared sh-tless about it. I feel like I can definitely pass med school but that I stand a chance at getting kicked out of grad school for not being smart enough. Or not working hard enough. Or something or other.

It's weird. I should be freaked out that I *STILL* don't know what the hell I'm doing. After all I quit a nice job to become a full-time pre-med student. Now I am saying that I am not sure. 12 years later and I still can't decide if I should be a physician. But for some reason I refuse to get myself worked up about this again. I have spent so much emotional, mental, physical energy on this already. So many years wasted and frozen with fear. I am not putting my life on hold any longer. I am living it right NOW. If the decision gets made some day, great. If not, great. Whatever. I already have my true love (uhh, Luna, the oboe, if you didn't already know hehe). That's the beauty of it!!

In the meantime it looks like I might be taking the MCAT, the DAT, and the GRE at some point this year. Oh dear!