34!!!!!!!!

WOOT! 90.6 - 93rd percentile. I'll take that :-)

The longest month of my life is nearly over. I get my MCAT scores in approximately 2.5 days. *gulp* I am starting to feel very nervous about the whole thing. What if this past month was just the calm before the storm? What if I find out that I can't apply this year? What the hell am I going to do? I have been avoiding thinking about it because I want to stay positive but I can't help if negative thoughts sneak into my mind from time to time.

I've been having dreams about the moment when I get my score. Sometimes I get a bad score and other times I get a great score. Maybe I am unconsciously preparing myself either way. I think that in either case there are likely to be some tears.

What's the worst that can happen? Well, taking that test over would suck royally but it wouldn't be the end of the world. The harder decision would be whether to stay at my current job for 2 years instead of 1 and deal with them harrassing me over my grade, or find another place to work at. I'd probably pick the latter because I am proud that way.

I am praying really hard that I am pleasantly surprised on Wednesday. Statistically speaking chances are that I will be at least ok with my score. But still, when I recall that first section all I remember is doubt. I really hope I didn't mess it up too badly.

Only time will tell . . .

(I started this post the day after and finished it a few days later)

HALLELUJAH!!

I have never ever been more relieved than I felt the moment I walked out of that test today. Woah. I hadn't realized (thankfully) how much of a burden this test had become in my life. It was as though the weight of the world was removed from my shoulders.

This past week has all been a blur as I tried to cram in topics which I still felt unsure about. What can I say, I am a crammer. And hey, it has worked for me for the most part. There was at least one question, possibly two, on the test today that dealt with stuff I reviewed on the train trip down.

I managed to sleep decently well last night (better than the night before where I tossed and turned). A little swig of Nyquil helped. It was still a pain to get up at 5:30. I left Mom's apartment (I stayed over since my test was in the City) at 6:20 and the weather was perfect. I was quite nervous and could feel my heart racing so I tried desperately to conjure up an image that would help me calm down. The one I ended up with was quite dramatic but I think it worked. As I walked along the empty street towards the sunlight I imagined that my goals where there at the horizon. Getting back my grades. Getting into medical school. Going up on stage for my white coat ceremony. Then I imagined that behind me was everyone who has demonstrated support to me. Even some of you who remained faceless. I tried to picture each and every person who wished me well and thanked them. I could almost feel them literally behind me. I had a sudden sensation that almost made me cry, it was pretty strong. I just felt so grateful and I wanted so badly to make these people proud.

All was almost lost as soon as I sat in for the test though. The very first physical sciences section freaked me out. I was in a panic, living my worst nightmare for a few minutes. Some of the things I thought in my head in those first few minutes were (in rough order):


"I knew you'd mess up. You're going to choke and have to void the exam. Why don't you just walk out now?"
"Will I annoy the others in the room if I start crying?"
"You must calm down and at least try."
"But you're going to run out of time and not even see all the questions in this section!"
"What if you don't get a single question right?"
"How am I going to face everyone and tell them that I screwed up royally?"
"OMG, doing bad on this test is going to set me back a year. I won't be able to apply for 2008"
"Wait, maybe that is not so bad. Maybe I can just take the extra year to start my family"
"Oooo, baby . .. "
"OMG, 5 minutes have just passed and as it is I am usually pressed for time in this section"
"I can't at least try. Must. Calm. Down."
"SHUT UP AND THINK!!!"
. . . silence . . .

A photon is reflected . . .

And so eventually I did manage to get my head out of my @ss and to work on that section. I think I ended up spending maybe 15 minutes on those 6 questions, which did indeed set me up to run out of time for the section. I did make it to the end but was unable to review any of my answers. Not sure it would have mattered. For weeks I was focusing on optics because that was giving me a hard time (my ophthalmologists bosses at work said it gave them a hard time on their boards too). They somehow managed to make this section so difficult that the optics questions felt doable. Let's pray for a nice curve there.

When time was up I ran out to take my 10 minute break. I still was unable to force anything down so I only took a few sips of my Vitamin Water and prayed for calm and confidence for the rest of the test. Thankfully, the panic and anxiety did NOT return and I felt much better about the rest of the test.

The verbal reasoning section did NOT have ANY passages on the topics I hate: geology, economics, and political philosophy. It didn't even have history, government, or law. I was so psyched!! The questions were mostly on sociology, literature, and psychology, topics my fellow pre-meds usually hate, but that the artsy fartsy side of me loves. All of the passages were actually interesting so I am hoping for a good score here. Same thing goes for the essay. Both topics were of interest to me and I think that I did an acceptable job on them.

The last section was biological sciences. By this point I realized that I was about 1.5 hours away from the test being over so I was starting to feel kind of excited. I finished with 15 minutes to spare and was able to go back and review stuff.

So on June 27th or so I should find out how I did. I will start on my AMCAS (the online central application for most medical schools) but won't submit it until I get my grade. I am back to being happy with a 30. I am not as sure about whether I'll hit a 10 in each section or not. I think that PS can be anywhere between 9-11 (+/- 1), I am hoping for maybe a 12 in verbal (though it's more likely to be an 11) and at least a 10 in Bio. The essay I am unsure about. Hopefully at least an "O". So I guess the score can range between a 27 for a pretty bad showing and a 35 if all the planets align. Statistically speaking the most likely score is a 31, which I will run with :-)

Freaking out . . .

I hate that this template doesn't have a title field. How else will I make a cohesive post without a way to blatantly state my thesis?

So I took my 7th and final full-length practice MCAT this morning/afternoon and didn't score as well as I had hoped. It came as no surprise since I was tired, hungry, and cold. I must remember to take a sweater with me that day and possibly gloves. Who can think when you're losing sensation to your fingers?

It's still somewhat surreal that after avoiding this test since 1993 or so, it is now just days away. After my practice test on Saturday, on which I got my second highest score, I was ready and pumped. Now I am a little deflated (well, my ego is) but I think I can recover by Friday. The good thing is that I still have Wednesday off.

All I pray for is a score that I can live with. Here is breakdown:

Under 28: Find me some rope so I can hang myself

28-29: This is the worst. So close, yet so far. I really hope to NOT be in this category because then I have to make a very difficult decision regarding whether or not it's worth applying with those scores. Chances are I'd take another year and retake next year and focus perhaps on TTC instead. Maybe I'd be better at that. Or heck, maybe I'd just go to music school and be broke forever. Trust me, I daydream about that option surprisingly often.

30-31: I will be quite content with either of these scores. Not quite stellar, but good enoguh.

32-34: This is where I feel like I have a good chance of falling. *crosses fingers* I will be quite happy if I end up here.

35 and above: Who knows? It could happen. I did hit a 36 on one of the practice test. Unlikely, but I will be estatic should this happen. I will have to find myriad ways to reward my brilliance (or luck).

My final averages from my practice tests is as follows:
VR 11.3
BS 9.7
PS 10.4
Total 31.4

Ugh. I am so dismayed by that Bio score. I don't know what's going on with that. My scores keep fluctuating between 8 and 12. So I have no clue where it will end up.

I feel pretty ok about hitting the 30 minumum as most of my scores were at least a 30, but as you see there is a possibility of me getting less than a 10 in any one section and that would royally suck. Then again I am focusing on the just as likely possibility of being near 11 on all sections, which would be way cool.

I am such an underachiever. I studied quite a decent amount but I am sure no where as much as I should have/could have. I know deep down that had I truly devoted myself 100% to this I could have been in the mid to high 30's. The issues was the total devotion. That's just not going to happen when all this stuff is competing with my passion. I have to be content with not being the very best, and I think that I am for the most part. It's just that somedays I feel like I am not really great at anything.

But that's the price I pay for doing this the way I am doing it, out of order. At least I will be able to do it, but my choices will be different from what they would have been had I done things right the first time around. My choices will be strongly influenced by my trying to keep my life as balanced as possible. Nothing wrong with that.

This blabbing is making me feel better. Good. Maybe I will take another practice test in chunks between now and Friday. Maybe not. All I know is that my countdown to freedom is now at 4! WOOT!

A deadline??

I had a few moments to myself at work today. This is an amazing thing in of itself. As usual I tend to take these moments to start a pity party. I started as usual "Woe is me, for having made xyz stupid decision in the past, blah, blah, blah". As I type this I realize this is probably at least partially to blame for my complete inability to make any decisions currently. Anyway, I digress. What I started thinking about was that if I am ever to respect myself again, I need to make a decision. It's not even about the right decision anymore. I just need to make A decision. This job, like most other things I do or don't do, has become yet another way for me to procrastinate on what I am really supposed to be doing. I am yet again putting my life on hold and THAT is what is at the root of my current sense of malaise. Of course my life feels directionless. I am in yet another damn holding pattern. And the only way out of it is to make a decision. If I don't, I face years and years of feeling inadequate, of feeling that I have no control over my life. Do I really want to be bossed around at work for years to come? Hell, no. The sooner I figure something out the sooner I can get out.

So since it no longer matters whether the decision is perfect or not, I am thinking that I just need to give myself an arbitrary deadline. I will either decide that I'm applying to medical school and start going through the motions. Or I will decide that it's not for me once and for all and get as far away from the field, and its inexorable pull, as I can.

What is no longer an option is staying here for years and years while I raise a baby, etc. This is why I was starting to think ambivalently about the baby thing again (though I am know I want it). I will stick to my decision, whatever it may be, regardless of how the baby option works out. I just have to have faith that it will have to work itself out.

So, what could a good deadline be? Since I am a school geek at heart it makes sense to time it according to that schedule. I am going to give myself a deadline of Spring. If I am to do med school, I must take the MCAT in April or May. My test results are allowed to affect the decision. So that means that by June or so I will know whether I want to apply to med school and whether I stand a chance of getting in. If I decide to go for it, then I will have to stay at the job another year while I apply. If I give up on the med school idea and the PA one as well, then maybe I will do the NYC teaching fellows thing. I haven't thought about the PA option through well yet. It means having to take more courses. I really wish I could just go back to school this coming September. My job is pissing me off.

Anyway, I am going to do my very best to take control of this. One way or another. It's liberating to no longer care about whether the decision is perfect or not. I just need to make one.

Guess what? I am still undecided. I think that if someone where to measure how much my decision fluctuates, I'd be institutionalized.

So I've now been working as a Medical Assistant for nearly 7 weeks. I was excited at first, then overwhelmed, then apprehensive, and now pretty content. It's hard and I'm tired and it gets very stressful and sometimes I have to deal with people I'd rather not deal with or do things I'd rather not do. But today I realized something kind of amazing. I actually don't mind going into work. RIght now I am not completely dreading having to go in tomorrow. In fact, I am quite ok with it. It doesn't feel perfect but I am definitely content.

So the lesson is that this field is certainly the best match for me so far. Corporate I know was a nearly complete bust. Education was much better, but this is an even better fit.

Now the question that remains is where exactly is my niche. Do I want to stay in direct patient care forever? I think I'd want it to some degree always. But ideally it would be nice to mix things up. Right now I have both patient and administrative duties. Switching is always jarring, but then I fall back into whichever one I just switched too. I think this is healthier than burning out on one.

Being around doctors every day has indeed rekindled my pre-med dreams but that doesn't mean that I am any more motivated to do what needs to get done. Is that a sign? I do what needs to get done for my music stuff yet I refuse to get off my ass to start studying for the MCAT. IS THAT A SIGN?? I feel like I want medicine 99%, but I want music 150%. But music is a hobby. So how do I justify giving up a life-long dream for a hobby? Even if the hobby IS probably my true passion? And do I really want to be a doctor or do I just want to fulfill that dream just because? I worry that I am focusing too much on the supposed "prestige" aspect of it. I will be ok with the PA idea until I hear people say things like "I don't want to be seen by just a PA", etc. Can I deal with these kinds of feelings long-term?

Does any of this even matter? How will things change once I have children? Will career matter even less? Will the sacrifices needed for medicine seem completely ridiculous? That's how they almost feel now.

But I always wonder if I've maligned the whole thing in my head to try to talk myself out of it because what I am really am is terrified.

But life is too short and precious. Most times I just want to enjoy it doing things like hanging out with my husband and other loved ones, calling friends, reading books for fun, and of course listening to and playing music. Oh and I also enjoy other things. I can be kind of "domestic" at times. ANd I'd love to travel more and get into photography. COuld I do any of these as an MD? Is it MDs themselves that have created this whole martyr image? Or is it really that bad????

I'm so undecided, I'm so undecided. I'm so undecided. Tralalalalaaaaaaaaa! I should make a real song out of this.

Today officially marks my most undecided-ness!! You know it's bad when you are trying to figure things out in your dreams. I spent most of the night discussing this with a friend. This morning I was talking about it with my husband during out commute in and that's when I realized that I am more confused than ever.

The idea of using scientific knowledge and applying it to clinical problems still appeals to me. There is something gratifying about someone coming to you with symptoms or abnormal labs and you figuring out what's wrong and dispensing care, whether than be through a therapeutic agent, surgery, or just talking. It's also cool if you understand exactly how such agent is supposed to work in the body. which receptors and pathways are involved. the chemical structure and function of the active ingredient. Then you have the gratification of knowing you improved that person's life. This is especially sweet if it's someone from an underserved community.

But at what point in the process do I want to be involved? Do I want to be the pharmacologist working on the drugs? Or the biologist who figured out which proteins are involves? Or perhaps there's something genetic going on? Maybe I could be a chemist? Or do I want to be the diagnostician? Or would I be happier working with my hands as some kind of surgeon?

I guess I feel slightly comforted by the fact that all these fields are actually intertwined. My problem has now shifted to where in the line do I want to function.
MD/PhD still seems cool because I could hit up the line at different points. But would it cost me my music? I can't imagine a happy life without it.

If I must choose one over the other, which should I choose? MD offers more options but again at what cost? My personality seems to be a better fit for PhD, but do I have enough interest in basic science?

Where will I make the most meaningful contributions? Where will I work most productively? Where will I be happiest day to day?

I need to pray ...

Oh yeah, the list:
(1) MD/PhD - for the reason I mentioned above
(2) MD - ditto
(3) PhD in Chemistry, Chem E., Pharmacology, or Path - one side of the continuum
(4) PA - the other side of the continuum
(5) MS in Chemistry to work in industry or teach
(6) Ed.D - I may as well throw everything in here
(7) PhD in Ethnomusicology - yeah let's bring it all back

The continuum:
|__________||________||______||_____||____|
Science PhD------MudPhud-------MD--------PA------Ed