A deadline??

I had a few moments to myself at work today. This is an amazing thing in of itself. As usual I tend to take these moments to start a pity party. I started as usual "Woe is me, for having made xyz stupid decision in the past, blah, blah, blah". As I type this I realize this is probably at least partially to blame for my complete inability to make any decisions currently. Anyway, I digress. What I started thinking about was that if I am ever to respect myself again, I need to make a decision. It's not even about the right decision anymore. I just need to make A decision. This job, like most other things I do or don't do, has become yet another way for me to procrastinate on what I am really supposed to be doing. I am yet again putting my life on hold and THAT is what is at the root of my current sense of malaise. Of course my life feels directionless. I am in yet another damn holding pattern. And the only way out of it is to make a decision. If I don't, I face years and years of feeling inadequate, of feeling that I have no control over my life. Do I really want to be bossed around at work for years to come? Hell, no. The sooner I figure something out the sooner I can get out.

So since it no longer matters whether the decision is perfect or not, I am thinking that I just need to give myself an arbitrary deadline. I will either decide that I'm applying to medical school and start going through the motions. Or I will decide that it's not for me once and for all and get as far away from the field, and its inexorable pull, as I can.

What is no longer an option is staying here for years and years while I raise a baby, etc. This is why I was starting to think ambivalently about the baby thing again (though I am know I want it). I will stick to my decision, whatever it may be, regardless of how the baby option works out. I just have to have faith that it will have to work itself out.

So, what could a good deadline be? Since I am a school geek at heart it makes sense to time it according to that schedule. I am going to give myself a deadline of Spring. If I am to do med school, I must take the MCAT in April or May. My test results are allowed to affect the decision. So that means that by June or so I will know whether I want to apply to med school and whether I stand a chance of getting in. If I decide to go for it, then I will have to stay at the job another year while I apply. If I give up on the med school idea and the PA one as well, then maybe I will do the NYC teaching fellows thing. I haven't thought about the PA option through well yet. It means having to take more courses. I really wish I could just go back to school this coming September. My job is pissing me off.

Anyway, I am going to do my very best to take control of this. One way or another. It's liberating to no longer care about whether the decision is perfect or not. I just need to make one.

Guess what? I am still undecided. I think that if someone where to measure how much my decision fluctuates, I'd be institutionalized.

So I've now been working as a Medical Assistant for nearly 7 weeks. I was excited at first, then overwhelmed, then apprehensive, and now pretty content. It's hard and I'm tired and it gets very stressful and sometimes I have to deal with people I'd rather not deal with or do things I'd rather not do. But today I realized something kind of amazing. I actually don't mind going into work. RIght now I am not completely dreading having to go in tomorrow. In fact, I am quite ok with it. It doesn't feel perfect but I am definitely content.

So the lesson is that this field is certainly the best match for me so far. Corporate I know was a nearly complete bust. Education was much better, but this is an even better fit.

Now the question that remains is where exactly is my niche. Do I want to stay in direct patient care forever? I think I'd want it to some degree always. But ideally it would be nice to mix things up. Right now I have both patient and administrative duties. Switching is always jarring, but then I fall back into whichever one I just switched too. I think this is healthier than burning out on one.

Being around doctors every day has indeed rekindled my pre-med dreams but that doesn't mean that I am any more motivated to do what needs to get done. Is that a sign? I do what needs to get done for my music stuff yet I refuse to get off my ass to start studying for the MCAT. IS THAT A SIGN?? I feel like I want medicine 99%, but I want music 150%. But music is a hobby. So how do I justify giving up a life-long dream for a hobby? Even if the hobby IS probably my true passion? And do I really want to be a doctor or do I just want to fulfill that dream just because? I worry that I am focusing too much on the supposed "prestige" aspect of it. I will be ok with the PA idea until I hear people say things like "I don't want to be seen by just a PA", etc. Can I deal with these kinds of feelings long-term?

Does any of this even matter? How will things change once I have children? Will career matter even less? Will the sacrifices needed for medicine seem completely ridiculous? That's how they almost feel now.

But I always wonder if I've maligned the whole thing in my head to try to talk myself out of it because what I am really am is terrified.

But life is too short and precious. Most times I just want to enjoy it doing things like hanging out with my husband and other loved ones, calling friends, reading books for fun, and of course listening to and playing music. Oh and I also enjoy other things. I can be kind of "domestic" at times. ANd I'd love to travel more and get into photography. COuld I do any of these as an MD? Is it MDs themselves that have created this whole martyr image? Or is it really that bad????